Superman Returns – Oh What a Bore!

Stuporman Bore – that’s what Superman Returns turned out to be.

Vidya and I were excited when we saw the trailers – Brandon Routh looked like Superman, and the action seemed promising. So off we rushed to buy tickets for the day show on the first Saturday it was showing.

Unfortunately we could get only first class tickets, and what an experience it proved to be. The sound system at Sathyam was shot – you could hear none of the softer spoken dialogues (of which there seemed to be an inordinate profusion), while the loud action sequences were cacophonic.

The movie was an unmitigated disaster – never have we seen such a wimpy, weepy, indecisive shrimp like the Superman portrayed by Brandon Routh. Now, he seemed to be a good choice – he looked every inch a Superman. But the direction was so awful that Bertie Wooster is comparatively a dashing man of action ans swift decision. Even the weak and watery humour of Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor shines brightly in the cinematic wasteland that is this movie. The action sequences are themselves so weak and noisy that they leave us wondering what the hell happened. If you have seen the trailer, you have seen the best parts .

While this was happening on screen, there was plenty of off-screen action. The first was a bunch of about eight or ten eight or ten year olds. These guys were obviously bored out of their little coconut-sized skulls, and made up for it by fighting among themselves for what meagre snacks they had. It seem like they were stuffing popcorn down each others’ shirts, and attempting to pour Pepsi (or was it Coke?) on some poor soul’s head. They were accompanied by exactly one clueless dolt of an adult, who kind of looked around and smiled weakly at anyone who looked at him.

And then there was a loudmouth sitting in the row in front of us who would shout out loudly in Hindi stuff like “Hey, look out, he’s behind you” or “What an idiot. He must be blind.”

Suddenly, from one part of the theatre came the piercing wails of a baby who had obviously had too much on-screen stupidity. Unfortunately, the parents too seemed to have been affected by the stupidity, and they kept sitting there and watching the screen while their baby was bringing the house down. Finally someone called out to them, in a not-too-kind tone to get the screaming child out of the theatre. One of the parents took it out, and relative calm was restored.

To us, the best part of the entertainment were two guys behind us, who were generally having fun at the movie’s expense. They were keeping it down, and their comments were quiet, and quite funny. The best part was when they claimed the director had stolen an idea from Captain Vijayakanth and the exploding transformer when Superman shorts out the ECG machine!

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